Open Question: Am I a bad friend? (and a pushover?) Should I even have friends?

27/06/10

Alrighty. So at my old school, I had a group of friends that hung out with me a lot. Don’t get me wrong, I loved them to death, but I just didn’t feel like I had a connection with them. At all. At home, when I’m with my family, I act totally different when I’m with my friends. I was secretive about my life. I never invited them over to hang out. And whenever they asked me to come over, I never wanted to. But I said yes anyways or made up excuse so I wouldn’t hurt their feelings by simply saying “I don’t want to come over.” And it makes me want to slap myself when they buy me a gift and I have nothing for them, even though I beg them not to get me anything because I feel bad if someone spends money on me. (Not because I don’t want to buy anything for them. If I had money, I’d definitely get them a gift. But it’s because I don’t have money. I could ask my mom for some cash but I don’t want to spend money on luxuries, even if it’s for someone else when that money was earned by my mom’s hard work.) Am I a bad friend for not having a strong connection with them and not wanting to come over? And for not asking them to hang out when they could have? And for not getting them gifts?

I think that I’m a pushover too. They copied my homework sometimes. I was a brain back then, the smart one in the group. Whenever I stood up to sharpen my pencil, I’d come back to my desk and discover that my homework was gone. My friends would be copying my work on my paper and I wouldn’t say anything. I just let them. Not to mention that I carried a lot of supplies for school. I was a nerd who was always prepared. And I didn’t mind sharing. But when they asked for a pencil EVERYDAY when I just gave them one YESTERDAY, I started getting annoyed. Also, sometimes they would call me about help on the homework. One thing about me is that I loathe having to help other people with homework in particular. I’m not good at explaining the process of finding the answer. I didn’t like group projects either, because I worked best solo. Why didn’t they buy their own supplies when they were out? Am I a pushover for allowing them to cheat off my work? For giving them school supplies every single day? For allowing them to call me and ask about school work even though I didn’t want to help?

I think that it’s best that I don’t have any friends. So I won’t dissapoint my friends or dissapoint myself for being a lousy friend. I feel more comfortable on my own, anyways…

But please… help! Advice! What should I do? I moved to a new school and have a new group of friends with the same problem! AH! (even though there are only 4 of us now compared to the 8 back then)

I’m not a good friend at all. Maybe I should just be a loner. What do you think?

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