I am 26, a college student, and I have a full-time job. I still live at home because when my father died a few years ago, he left my mother with an outstanding amount of debt. If my brother and I left, she would be put on the street. So, we decided to stay.

I was always making the Honor Roll with very little effort during my elementary and middle school years. When high school came, everything changed. Like my father, I started doing a lot of drugs, skipping school, getting into trouble with the law, etc. I was diagnosed with bi-polar at 15 and have been on and off with different medication for nearly 10 years.

The fact that I grew up in a black neighborhood and went to predominantly black schools didn’t help much either. It just imbued me with prejudice, seeing your cars get broken into and house vandalized by them over and over takes its toll eventually. All I can say is that not all white people are my friends and not all blacks are my enemies — however, I will just stick with the majority most are on both sides of the fence. I don’t care for weeding out the good and bad; a waste of time.

However, this is not a post about disparaging any race or gender. Truth is, after my father died, I went back to school and graduated — completing my required courses in record time. After, I got a good job and went to college to study psychology. I always wanted to be a psychologist so I could better understand myself and others. I want to help people — all people…or, at least, I wanted to.

My mother was very stressed about losing her home. We got a letter stating we owed back taxes. They inflated the original $3,500 property tax to nearly $12,000. That is utterly criminal.

I gave her $3,000 last year to put towards it, but it all went to waste; they want all of it in full. There is no way we can raise that kind of money. So, she tells me yesterday that we are just going to have to move. We’ve lost the only thing that meant something to all of us in our family: our home.

Before that, it wasn’t much better. My psychiatrist put me on a medication that works, but is too expensive. I have to spend over $100 a month for 30mg of Abilify and 40mg of Citalopram just to function properly. That was a victory short lived, for I cannot afford that, a car payment, rent and utilities.

So, needless to say, the meds got booted. My grades are very poor. I haven’t passed a class for 2 quarters now. I used to be on the Dean’s List when I first started… I don’t know what to do.

It seems like everything is falling apart. I have a girlfriend, but I don’t want to subject her to this. She is my first real girlfriend and I am thinking she will be my last. I am happy when I am with her because I don’t think about anything but the moment… It’s nice…I like it.

She will see my bad side eventually. My family is suffering. It is to the point where we are going without food just to make ends meet, yet that still isn’t enough. Truthfully…I want to get my gun and just put us all out of misery… I am tired of seeing them suffer, myself suffer…

Life shouldn’t be this way… Don’t tell me I need to go to a therapist because I am going. I have been going since I was 15. I have tried it all. People told me I should meditate — didn’t work. I even tried to put it in “God’s hands” — nothing. Don’t even tell me to do that. If God were real, he wouldn’t let this happen.

God is a joke. Don’t bother telling me to turn to religion — DO NOT. It does nothing. We’re losing everything… It just seems like everything is falling apart. So much so, that I cannot even talk about it to my friends or family. I have been reduced to seek advice from total strangers.

Please…help…

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